Separation Advice

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Separation Advice

Postby South_Aussie_Hiker » Thu 28 Nov, 2019 5:19 pm

Hi!

I am currently going through a separation which is in the very early days. I didn’t see it coming, and it also was done in a very hurtful way.

There’s children custody issues, finance, and a whole bunch of stuff I’m trying to sort out. I have started these processes so I’m not really asking about that.

But I figure there is quite a few BW.com members who have been through the same thing. So here’s my question: how did you deal with the short term grief? I’m getting professional help with this, but the any tips or ideas would be appreciated..

What things in particular helped you? There’s no contact other than through lawyers, and hence being unable to get any closure or reasons is difficult. I’m sure time will help!

Thanks, brains trust!
Last edited by South_Aussie_Hiker on Thu 28 Nov, 2019 8:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Marriage Failure Advice

Postby andrewa » Thu 28 Nov, 2019 7:04 pm

Erk. That sounds bad, particularly as you didn’t see it coming.

I haven’t been through it, but I’m a GP, so see this professionally. I suggest you see your GP to get a referral to a psychologist, and go and sort it out with a psychologist.

Feel free to contact me directly if you wish.

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Re: Separation Advice

Postby wayno » Fri 29 Nov, 2019 6:00 am

I didnt have kids involved.
keep as many normal routines going as you can, focus on the positives left in your life... dont dwell on what you can't control.
limit the amount of time you spend worrying about whats going on, literally allocate a set amount of time time to worry and think about what you're going to do and how you're going to work through the issues and grieve for your loss. but worrying all day is counter productive, spend the rest of your time focusing on progressing your life and on your day to day routines.
there are going to be a lot of emotions going on, an expert is better working through the stages with you... letting yourself experience the emotions in the long run is better than trying to not experience them... just dont get into destructive behaviour with yourself or anyone else when you're emotional. emotions pass., at the end of the day you need to get back to being rational and not let the emotions get on top of you.
have faith in the future. further out things will get better, have patience.. hikers have a lot of endurance, and they bounce back and can deal with adversity, although this is different and new , and stressful...
stay healthy, stay off the booze be wary of too many medications, hang out with people who care.
just have to take it day by day... it may feel as stressful as a terminal illness, but at the end of the day its not.
it's a massive adjustment to make, its going to take a long time and some effort and thought, and you will get through.
from the land of the long white clouds...
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Re: Separation Advice

Postby South_Aussie_Hiker » Fri 29 Nov, 2019 6:34 am

Wow, thanks Wayno!
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Re: Separation Advice

Postby gayet » Fri 29 Nov, 2019 6:59 am

+1 for wayno's comments.

There is no quick fix. Ignoring, or trying to avoid the distress and hurt just allows it to grow and fester in the background. Acknowledge the hurt, and deal with it, don't wallow in it.

It does get better. You may never get answers as to why, and its very hard to accept that early, but it will become less of a concern as time and you move on.

Don't shut out the rest of the world, keep doing the stuff you can and enjoy it. Its going to be hard but one step at a time and your world will rebuild. A different world no doubt, but it will be what you make of it.

All the best.
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Re: Separation Advice

Postby Moondog55 » Fri 29 Nov, 2019 3:03 pm

It hurts
All I can say is that over time it hurts a little less. There is no easy way but I can tell you that while it helps in the short term alcohol makes it much worse in the long term.
Take some time to see somebody professional about money management and budgeting as I never recovered financially from my own marriage break-up. If you have kids there is a duty to provide for them but there is also a duty to yourself and you mustn't lose sight of that
Ve are too soon old und too late schmart
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Re: Separation Advice

Postby crollsurf » Fri 29 Nov, 2019 5:16 pm

Hi SA Hiker,

Her actions are premediated and she has a Lawyer on her case. That's why she is not talking to you. She has been advised not to. Her Lawyers job is to take everything they can off you, your house, your children. They'll even come after your super, your future earnings, your holiday leave and maybe even your future inheritance! So get the best Divorse Lawyer you can afford and don't talk to her Lawyers.

They'll start asking for this and that and if you give them what they want, even if it doesn't mean much to you, by the time it comes to final negotiations, all your bargianing chips will already be in their back pocket. You'll have little or nothing to bargain with. Give them nothing, fight for everything. You're going to lose but the important thing is, don't lose any more than you have to.

It's a traumatic experience, good chance you are Catastrophizing about it among other things. Go and see a Psychologist if you can, they know all about it and can explain what is going on. It won't make you happy about whats going on but at least you'll understand and deal with it a lot better.

Friends, good friends will always lend a shoulder but don't go on about it for ever. It's going to take 3-5 years to get over this so use your firends to start with but after that, get on with your life and spend your time with them as an escape from all of this. Don't keep bringing it up unless they ask.

I'm not a divorsee but seen enough friends go through it, heard enough of their stories. They're all fine now, scratch the surface and there is still bitterness but they're all getting on with life and enjoying life after marriage. You'll get over it, just got to make a good fight of it ATM.
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Re: Separation Advice

Postby South_Aussie_Hiker » Fri 29 Nov, 2019 10:05 pm

Wow. Incredibly helpful. Keep the info coming...
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Re: Separation Advice

Postby wayno » Sat 30 Nov, 2019 3:23 am

dont beat yourself up or blame yourself...
your partner has chosen to technically act in an indirect aggressive way unfortunately... don't expect her to change.
she chose not to communicate what was going on for her to you or to try and work through anything with you. accept this is the future for now.
just take any lessons out of it and learn from any mistakes and move on.
all your behaviour going forward, now has to look good to favour you for access to your kids, if you get angry publicly, you stand to loose. nothing wrong with feeling angry, but in this situation public displays of anger are going to make the outcome worse if it gets back to her or the kids or the lawyer..
you havent been given a chance to rectify anything she didnt like about the relationship, hopefully that will go in your favour in any legal and custody wrangle... but as mentioned no matter how open you are to wanting to communicate with her or her lawyer, or how nice they might seem to communicate with, don't, or you could just end up playing into their hands, your lawyer must handle all that now, they will advise you exactly what you should and shouldnt do for your best interests.
from the land of the long white clouds...
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Re: Separation Advice

Postby weeds » Sat 30 Nov, 2019 10:41 pm

Best thing a mate suggested, was that he sat in on my one and only meeting with a lawyer......all he did was listen and note/wrote just about everything down.

Worked a treat as I barely remembered anything the lawyer said......I paid a lot of money for the once off meeting, lots of good tips.

I’d say it hard to predict the outcome or how it will roll,

sticking to your values is the best approach.

My ex spent a bomb on lawyers, it costs you nothing to respond and every time you send a letter she pays the lawyer and you get a free lesson in law when he pens letters
- 50:50 on assets,
- 49:51 shared custody
- parenting agreement, the judge was impressed with me being organized, I was worried as the cases before me copped a grilling.
- I had to cough up super, fair enough as she spent considerable time away from work being a mum
- I was lucky and scored an awesome counselor.....don’t continue turning up if it doesn’t feel right.



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Re: Separation Advice

Postby South_Aussie_Hiker » Tue 03 Dec, 2019 6:14 am

Thanks Weeds.
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Re: Separation Advice

Postby wayno » Tue 03 Dec, 2019 6:28 am

be very careful. if you correspond with your ex's lawyer directly and word things the wrong way, it could easily backfire...
their lawyer wants you to say certain things in their favour and may try to engage with you to get you to make those statements which you may not realise the consequences of...

i was hit by another car, the other party tried to engage with me and write certain things down, i refused and left it to the insurance company

you really have to have a level head when you communicate anything and not be emotional.... custody of your children can be adversely affected by how you behave and communicate from now on.
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