Jokes and humour

For topics unrelated to bush walking or to the forums.

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Sun 15 Oct, 2017 4:02 pm

That's a sausage joke, one of the Wurst
Ve are too soon old und too late schmart
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Sun 15 Oct, 2017 5:59 pm

Q: What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your tent?

A: Sleep out in the rain!
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Sun 15 Oct, 2017 6:03 pm

There where two snakes talking. The first one said: "Are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around bushwalkers and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush bushwalkers and bite them and they are poisioned?"

Then the second snake says “Why do you ask?”. The first one replies: “I just bit my lip!”.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby north-north-west » Sun 15 Oct, 2017 6:28 pm

There is no such thing as a snake that bites someone to poison them. They're envenomated.
Last edited by north-north-west on Mon 16 Oct, 2017 5:41 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby puredingo » Sun 15 Oct, 2017 7:06 pm

I've been having a lot of brake fluid lately, my friends and family are concerned and think I'm addicted but I'm not...I can stop any time I want.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Sun 15 Oct, 2017 11:11 pm

north-north-west wrote:There is no such thing as a snake that bites someone to poison them.

There certainly is such a thing. Just not in scientific literature; only in casual speech. :)

(Obligatory joke: I once knew a snake that was so stupid it lost its skin. And another that wanted a steady job so it went to work as a public serpent. )
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Tue 07 Nov, 2017 2:02 pm

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Thu 09 Nov, 2017 6:58 pm

Lady with gun.jpg
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An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car - NOW!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The Sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment ... make it memorable.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Neo » Sat 11 Nov, 2017 8:19 am

The elephant in you pack
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Walk on!
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Fri 17 Nov, 2017 1:40 pm

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby MickyB » Fri 17 Nov, 2017 3:20 pm

I was possessed by a demon, so we hired an exorcist. He got rid of the demon, then sent us a bill for $10,000, which we didn't pay. So he came back and repossessed me.
I nearly had a psychic girlfriend but she dumped me before I met her.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Mon 20 Nov, 2017 3:02 pm

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Thu 23 Nov, 2017 4:13 pm

Last Sunday, 19 November, on the tele.
Channel 7 at 9.15pm, First flight: secrets of the dreamliner. This is a new aircraft for Qantas.
Channel 72 at 9.30pm, Air crash investigations.

Many years ago there was a screening of Midnight Cowboy. They were in a bus going to Florida or the like. Harry Nilson was singing Everybody's talkin' as Dustin Hoffmann's character Ratso died on the bus, so close to where it was warm.
I'm going where the sun keeps shining,
Through the pouring rain.
Going where the weather suits my clothes.
Banking off of the northeast winds,
Sailing on a summer breeze,
And skipping over the ocean like a stone.

The next advertisement was for Greyhound coaches or a similar bus company. Oops.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby north-north-west » Sun 26 Nov, 2017 10:48 am

Lophophaps wrote:
Baptise.jpg


Oh yes it is! Wish I'd thought of it.
In fact, it's almost a good enough incentive to go through the born-again *&^%$#!, just to do that. :D
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Sun 26 Nov, 2017 1:03 pm

There was a bloke who was baptised as an adult, in a river, full submersion. As he came up on each of three times when he was pushed under he had to say "I believe." The first time was fine, and he said "I believe." The second time he was held under a bit too long and he came up sputtering, saying "I believe." He was given no chance to get his breath back and again was held under too long. When he came up he said "I believe you mongrels are trying to drown me." He did not use the word "mongrels".


For older people.

My Favourite Things

Quickeeze and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts, porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, when the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad!

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Heating pads, bathrobes, and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad!



Are you lonesome tonight?
Senior Citizen Version

Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?
Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.

If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.
So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out such
A cranky old fart?
So don't take any bets,
It's as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Tue 28 Nov, 2017 4:47 pm

Blatantly stolen from a post at BPL

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

Well if it had 4 it’d be a chicken sedan.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Tue 28 Nov, 2017 5:22 pm

Chicken sedan - LOL! 9/10. I wonder why the chickens did not drive across the road.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby MickyB » Tue 28 Nov, 2017 5:23 pm

I hear they crossed a chicken with a centipede so everyone gets a drumstick.
I nearly had a psychic girlfriend but she dumped me before I met her.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Tue 28 Nov, 2017 5:28 pm

Love the above, many drumsticks!

What goes 99 clonk, 99 clonk?
A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby MickyB » Tue 28 Nov, 2017 7:11 pm

Men and women are very different. For example, if you gave a woman the choice between kicking a goal in the AFL Grand Final or saving an infant's life, she'd save the infant without even looking at the scoreboard.
I nearly had a psychic girlfriend but she dumped me before I met her.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby puredingo » Tue 28 Nov, 2017 8:36 pm

My whole life as a youngster my father worked as a roofer...I always looked up to that man.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby MickyB » Wed 29 Nov, 2017 6:39 pm

I am sponsoring a child in Africa. I'm not sure what that means but I think there's a kid somewhere over there running around with my name on his jumper.
I nearly had a psychic girlfriend but she dumped me before I met her.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Sat 02 Dec, 2017 11:41 am

With rivers flooding in Victoria, the following shows a typical river crossing and how it is possible to be happy even when the water is deep.
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